Delight In Me, And I Will Give You The Desires Of Your Heart
April 1
Psalm 37:4 “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
It took more than six years of attending a weekly addiction recovery group before I realized that I had been using my addiction to meet and fill the “God-sized void” in my heart and soul. I was sexually abused at the age of ten, and the abuse continued for 18-24 months. (It was during this time that I found my first pornographic magazine which I used to cope with the pain and confusion of the abuse. This was the beginning of a nearly four-decade pornography addiction.) As I learned much later, the abuse and use of pornography warped my understanding of healthy, God-designed love and sex. I thought my greatest needs were physical intimacy and satisfying desires of the flesh. This created much chaos and turmoil in my life.
No matter how often I engaged with the addiction, I always felt miserably empty afterward. The temporary euphoria was just that - temporary, and I quickly felt the all too familiar emptiness inside. The addiction never satisfied or filled the “God-sized void” in my heart and soul. Through materials studied and discussions in the weekly recovery group, I came to understand that my greatest needs are to be known, loved, and accepted. That’s what I was desperate to find in my addiction, but until I come to realize I am known, loved, and accepted by God, nothing or no one else will ever fill that void or satisfy that need. My heart was longing to be known, loved, and accepted, but I looked to other places and things rather than to the One who created me and knows what I need. Until I put Him first in my life (delight in the Lord), my heart will search in all the wrong places to have its desires met.
For years I chose to believe this verse meant that if I prayed to God and gave Him some of my time (try to please Him somewhat), then He would give me what I asked for and wanted - the idea of God being a cosmic vending machine. I found that is not how God works. Instead, when I finally surrendered my life and addiction to Him and put Him first in my life (daily devotions and prayer), I began to understand His character and heart a little better. I looked to Him and started taking delight in what was being revealed to me through His word. I am known by God. I am loved by God. I am accepted by God. I belong to God. The desires of my heart begin to align with what God desires. The desires of my heart are met when I seek Him and delight in Him. There is a joy and peace that comes from delighting in the Lord. But, this is something I must do daily. It is daily coming to God and seeking Him. In this way, the “God-sized void” is filled with Him, and the desires of my heart and soul are satisfied.