His Death Was The Ultimate Expression Of My Love For You

April 15

1 John 4:10 “This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.”

By nature, addiction is a very selfish thing.  An addict cares about one thing: satisfying the addiction utilizing any means possible, and cares about one person: her/himself.  It took me a long time to acknowledge and accept this was true for me.  I did not want to admit that I was a selfish person who was being driven (and controlled) by an addiction.  But, as I eventually came to realize - and accept - I was a very selfish person who really only cared about and loved myself.  Yes, I said I loved others.  I loved my wife, my kids, family members, friends, and God.  I went through many of the right motions that showed the love I professed I had for them.  Anyone on the outside looking in likely would have agreed that I was “walking the talk” about love and that I was a loving person.  I became a master at living a double life: the appearance that I had it all together which included loving others more than myself and the secret life where I loved and cared about one person: me.

Regardless of what I looked like and portrayed to the public, the private and hidden side of me was selfish.  I focused only on loving myself and went to great lengths to accomplish it.  The love for myself and the addiction often came before the love I had for others.  Countless times, I put the addiction ahead of everyone and everything else.  It was my first love.  It was the most important thing in my life.  I allowed the addiction to control me, and it was a “friend” I thought I would have my entire life.  The love of the addiction was so great that I would make excuses and fabricate lies and stories so that I could spend time alone and interact with the addiction.  The amount of time I spent engaging in the addiction left no doubt how important it was to me and my love for it.  Even though I tried denying it - and pretend the addiction was not controlling my life - it was first in my life and something I loved.  This love created a significant amount of internal chaos and turmoil which eventually spilled out and had devastating consequences on myself and those I loved.

My love for the addiction cost me many things.  There were irrevocable changes to my marriage and relationships.  Financial, emotional, and physical consequences ensued and consumed me for a lengthy amount of time.  This “love” that I thought I couldn’t live without cost me a tremendous amount.  I ultimately sacrificed so much because of the addiction.  I wallowed in self-pity because of what this “love” cost me.  I wanted men in the recovery group to feel sorry for me because of the consequences I suffered from this “love.”  Life wasn’t fair.  It was down right cruel!  That love of addiction should not have cost me what it did (at least that’s what I thought for a long time).  Then one night in a discussion in the recovery group, it hit me the tremendous cost God paid so that I could have forgiveness of sins and be forgiven for all the wrong I have done.  God’s plan - for my redemption, for my forgiveness, for my cleansing of sin, for my reconciliation to Him - included the death of His Son on the cross.  The horrific pain and suffering Jesus endured on the cross was for…me.  The Father loves me that much, He sent His Son to die on the cross.  I deserve eternal condemnation and separation from God.  I deserve God's wrath and judgment.  BUT, when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy (Titus 3:4-5). Though I deserve nothing from God, His ultimate expression of love toward me happened on the cross where His perfect Son paid for my debt - a debt I could never pay.  What amazing love! What unfathomable and life-changing love!  What selfless love!  

How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure!

That He should give His only Son,

To make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss!

The Father turns His face away;

As wounds which marred the Chosen One

Bring many sons to glory.

Behold the man upon a cross:

My sin upon His shoulders;

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished;

His dying breath has brought me life:

I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything:

No gifts, no power, no wisdom;

But I will boast in Jesus Christ:

His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer;

But this I know with all my heart:

His wounds have paid my ransom.