You Were Not a Mistake, For All Your Days Are Written in My Book

March 12

Psalm 139:15-16 “My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

Many times during my addiction, I stood in front of a mirror hating who I saw looking back at me.  I hated engaging in the addiction.  I hated that I couldn’t stop.  I hated that I felt miserable and filled with guilt and shame.  I hated myself.  If anyone knew I was addicted to pornography, they would hate me, too.  If anyone knew how terrible a person I was, they would run as far from me as they possibly could.  Filled with intense feelings of self-loathing and hatred, I wholeheartedly believed that God did not love me, too.  How could He?  I questioned God’s plan and purpose for me.  I convinced myself that He made a mistake when He created me.

I heard several times that “God doesn’t make mistakes” or “you are not a mistake.” I heard these two quotes many times while struggling with addiction.  Rather than arguing with someone or avoiding a lengthy discussion about my disbelief in these two statements, I just agreed.  I didn’t want to explain why I thought God made a mistake in creating me - an addict struggling with sin and not able to stop.  An addict making a mess of his life and creating chaos.  An addict who hates himself and what he is doing.  It was easier to agree outwardly while internally questioning everything about those statements.  

It has taken a lot of work on my part - and God’s relentless grace and love - to be able to now say that God does not make mistakes - that I am not a mistake.  He created me in His image.  He created me and loves me with a deep and everlasting love.  God was - and still is - working in my life.  In my renewed relationship with Him, I can see that He has taken all those “I am a mistake” thoughts and feelings and is replacing them with “God has created me for a purpose and has a plan” thoughts.  He is working all things for my good.  Spending time daily in prayer and His Word, I am reminded that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am a beloved child of God!  He does not make mistakes.