You May Not Know Me, But I Know Everything About You
March 5
Psalm 139:1 “You have searched me, Lord and you know me.”
Growing up, I was often reminded that God saw me and watched me even when no one else was around. It didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing, God saw me. If I lied about doing - or not doing - something, God knew. Along with the regular reminder of God knowing and seeing everything, I developed a fear of God. I didn’t see Him as a loving, kind, forgiving, and caring Father. Rather, my view of Him was one of fear and apprehension.
This message about God seeing and knowing everything I did (and waiting to cast judgment on me and strike me down) found its way deep inside me. As a ten-year-old boy, I found a pornographic magazine. Little did I know this would be the beginning of a nearly four-decade pornography addiction. Throughout my addiction, I often remembered the “God sees you and knows everything” message from childhood. As an adult with a greater understanding of a God who does love and care for me, I lived with a tremendous amount of shame and guilt because of the addiction. Indeed God does know and see everything about me - including the horrible things I did in my addiction. But, I tried hiding it. I tried denying it. I tried ignoring it. I tried many things to convince myself it wasn’t so bad and that God would look the other way with what I was doing in my addictive lifestyle.
One evening in August 2020, I surrendered my life and addiction. Tired of running, hiding, and living two different lives, I gave it all to God. Exhausted from years of trying to do it on my own, I turned my life and addiction over to God. I finally accepted that He was the only option I had left. He was the only One who could help me. God knew all of the struggles and feelings I had with the addiction. He saw deep inside of me and knew the hurt I had caused others and all the pain I was carrying. God did search me - and He still does today - and He knows me far better than I know myself. I am grateful for a God who sees and knows all things. I am grateful for a Father who loves me and desires good for me.